Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. See....You've met your New Year's resolution

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Q: What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing............. yet.

Q. What is the difference between movie theater refreshments and movies at a police stag party?
A. One is pop corn, the other is cop porn.

Chadwick's girlfriend got a new job as a receptionist at the local sperm bank. One of her duties is to say to the donors as they are leaving: "Thanks for coming and come again!"

In my study of Human Nature there is only one universal truth about men that I have found...
....Gay or straight... they all want blow-jobs.

There's a new jewelry store in Hollywood whose business has suddenly leaped ahead of all the competition. It rents wedding rings.

Sex is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Q: What's hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet in the middle, starts with a C and ends with a T ?
A: A coconut.

Nothing in the world is more expensive than a woman who's totally free for the weekend!

Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

Heaven is when you have barrels of beer and tons of girls.
Hell is when you find out that the barrels have holes and the girls don't!

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.

If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping", now I just "chunky dunk".

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press :'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever