One day, there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong. The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong.

"Well," the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian slip?"

"No," said the other.

"Well," said the first, "it's when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time."

"Oh," said the third, "so, what happened?"

"Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’?" asked the first.

"Yes?" said the second.

"Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, ‘I now sentence you to death.’"

Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin'what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother ofJesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone.

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will"

Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."