Sure-Fire Signs There's Trouble On The Job
1) The new policy on sexual harassment includes your photo.

2) The Security guard makes a complete inventory of your work area.

3) Your assistant starts responding to your memos with, "Yeah, whatever."

4) You've got a "It's for you loser" sound when you receive email.

5) Your new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-18 last weekend.

6) The Human Resources Dept requests an update of your arrest record.

7) Your boss asks if you still have a copy of your five-year contract.

8) You notice your co-workers measuring your cubicle when you arrive at work.

9) Your parking space is moved next to the Dumpster.

10) Your secretary says things like, "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."

11) The receptionist asks "Who?" when anyone calls on you.

Job Application (What it really means)
I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of coffee breaks.

I DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
I pilfer office supplies.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I'M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.

I AM ADAPTABLE:
I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO:
I'm never at my desk.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:
I'm a college drop-out.