If God was a Woman....
Sex would smell like chocolate

Farts would smell like roses

Dogs would smell spring fresh

Babies would come from vending machines

Men would be born with a permanent erection

All women would have the same size breasts

There would be no cellulite

Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE

Men would be born with an "OFF" switch

There would be no "Hooters"

A man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife

All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in Hawaii!

Men would inherit the menstrual cycle

Men would come with software to be custom designed

Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by wife

Men would have a built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification of truth

Men would be intelligent enough to tell the difference between six inches and three inches

Sex would last longer than 30 seconds

Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the cheek

Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.

I'm Glad I'm a Woman
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don't brag to my buddies about my erections I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind

I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing I don't have body hair like shag carpeting It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I won't tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!