The Efficiency Expert
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "Don't try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked an audience member.

"Well, when I was first married, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast. She made many trips between the refrigerator, stove and sink, often carrying a single item at a time. I told her, 'You're wasting time carrying one thing at a time. Always carry several things at once.'"

"And did that save time?" asked the audience member.

"Yes. Yes, it did," replied the expert. "While it used to take my wife twenty minutes to make breakfast, now I do it in ten!"

This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.

His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?

He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.

His father congratulated him. And then he said "That’s good son, maybe next time you'll get a talking role!"

Jury Selection
The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Don O'Brian was called for his question session.

"Property holder?"

"Yes, I am, Your Honor."

"Married or single?"

"Married for twenty years, Your Honor."

"Formed or expressed an opinion?"

"Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

Comebacks For "Why Aren't You Married"
Because I don't like having a 50% chance of someday losing everything that is important to me.

You haven't asked yet.

What? And spoil my great sex life?

Just lucky, I guess.

I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.

I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

Why aren't you thin?