Signs You've Partied too Much
You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

You strike a match and light your nose.

You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"

You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.

You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.

You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.

You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

Hangover Rating System
(*) No real feeling of illness.
You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched.
You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

(**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss.
You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun.
The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion.
There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

(***) Slight headache.
Stomach feels crappy.
You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink.
Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

(****) Life sucks.
Your head is throbbing.
You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.)
Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts.
Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

(*****) You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube.
Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you.
You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning.
Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare floater' thrown in.
The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass.
Death sounds pretty good about right now...

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk:
Indubitably, Innovative, Preliminary, Proliferation, Cinnamon

Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity, British, Constitution, Passive-aggressive disorder, Loquacious, Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't.
No one wants to hear me sing.