Effective Immediately: New Company Policy

Dress Code:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the companys mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that is all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management Team

Reasons to Go to Work Naked
Your boss is always yelling "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.

"I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

You want to see if it's like the dream.

So that -- with a little help from Muzak -- you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

Splattering grease from deep fryer is really hard to get out of your uniform.

People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.