"Do I look Fat" Responses
"Not to Stevie Wonder."

"Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."

"No way! You look *least* fat in that outfit!"

"I guess there's not much point in asking if you mean fat with an 'f' or phat with a 'ph.'"

"No hablo ingles."

"Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things balance out."

"No, but taking it *off* sure does."

"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."

"Not if you were traveling at the speed of light."

"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."

"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."

"Whoa! A talking couch!!"

"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"

Diet Rules for Cheaters
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

Cookie pieces contain no fat--the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.

Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.