A man walks up to the counter at the airport. "Can I help you?" asks the agent.

"I want a round trip ticket," says the man.

"Where to?" asks the agent.

"Right back to here."

A man walks up to the counter at the airport. "Can I help you?" asks the agent.

"I want a round trip ticket," says the man.

"Where to?" asks the agent.

"Right back to here."

You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:
They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.

All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.

You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas. (True story - I know an old Northeast captain who did this on more than one occasion in the small airports of Maine)

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."

No movie. Don't need one.

Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk, "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle."

"I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that."

"Why not? You did it last time!"

My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator, wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us. Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.

As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!"

Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"

George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."

After a lengthy delay at the gate while waiting to depart, the Captain finally came on the PA system and announced, "I'm sorry for the delay, but the machine that smashes your baggage and pulls the handles off is broken, so the ground crew is having to do it by hand!"