Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing (bolter): "You've got to land here, son. This is where the food is."

LH741: "Tower, give me a rough timecheck!"
Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!

Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."

Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock,6 miles!
Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!

Tower: "Height and position?"
Pilot: "I am 5'9" and I'm sitting.

On a very quiet night:
Pilot: "F**k I'm bored"
Tower: "Would the aircraft reporting boredom please identify your self"
Pilot: "I said I was f**king bored, not f**king stupid"

A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said:
"Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"

Ground Control: "123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right."
Pilot: "123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I don't see the bear yet."

Air Traffic Control: Piper N 4444D, traffic at your 2o'clock, 500 ft below you.
Piper N4444D: Well, we see a light coming towards us...
Air Traffic Control: Look again there's probably a plane behind that light.

Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?"
Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."

A DC10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high:

San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

Tower: "Eastern 702, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and roger, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker F27, one o'clock,3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."

A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...

Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."
Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."

What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A pilot and a dog. The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

How many fighter pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.

What is the difference between a fighter pilot and a pig?
The pig doesn't turn into a fighter pilot when it's drunk.

One evening at happy hour at the Ft. Riley officer’s club, a buddy of mine who was an Army pilot told me a hilarious story. He said they’d been sent to Kansas City International Airport to pick up some people.
When they got near, they radioed the tower for instruction, _Army xxx, flight of three, requesting landing instructions for the private terminal_. The tower radioed back that they were number three to land following two commercial flights. A moment later the tower radioed again, voice rising in near panic, Army xxx, we show you with ZERO groundspeed! Are you declaring an emergency?

He calmly replied, No, we’re hovering over the outer marker waiting for clearance.

We’re a helicopter; we can do that you know.