Sheriiff's
Office Voice Mail
Hello, you have reached the Sheriff's Department Voice Mail.
Pay close attention as we have to update the choices often as new and unusual circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options:
To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem you created for yourself, press 1.
To postulate whether someone has to die before we'll do something about a problem, press 2.
To report an officer for bad manners when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.
If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.
If you would like us to take control of your life due to your alcohol or chemical dependency, press 5.
If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6.
To provide a list of police officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you, press 7.
To sue us, tell us you'll have our badge and pay our salary, or proclaim
our career is over, press 8.
To whine about a ticket and/or complain about the many other uses for police rather than keeping your dumb ass from killing someone, press 9.
Please note, your call may be monitored to assure proper customer support and remember, we're here to save your ass not kiss it.
Thanks for calling your local sheriff's department and have a nice day.
The
DD
A police officer, who was hoping to catch someone being drunk, waited
outside a bar. Now most bars close at midnight...... so he parked himself
right around the bar and waited for someone to come out drunk and try
to drive. Sure enough, at 11:45 PM a man came stumbling out of the bar.
It took him 5 minutes to get to his car and another five to turn the car
on. The police officer sensed victory and let the man start driving.
He pulled the man over only 50 feet away from the Tavern.
He walked up to the man and said, "I just saw you come out of that bar and you were pretty loaded."
"Daknguifshregjdgfnfdjgn," said the drunk man.
"How many beers did you have?" asked the police officer.
"Anoout fiften," said the man.
"FIFTEEN! And you are trying to drive?!? You will get life for this," said the officer.
"Hop outta the car. I am gonna run some tests on you," said the officer.
The man hoped out of his car with perfect grace, he smiled and stood on one foot, hopped up and down and said his ABC's fowards and backwards. The police officer couldn't get it.
"Ok, let me smell your breath," said the officer.
"Sure," said the man.
He exhaled right into the officers nose and the officers smelt no beer on his breath.
"Well I guess I am gonna have to let you go, but why did you stumble out of the bar so drunk?"
"Oh I am the DD," said the man.
"A designated driver?"
"No,
a designated decoy," said the man.
