From the Great One: Groucho Marx
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid
of it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
