You Know It's Time To Diet When....
You dance and it makes the band skip.

You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

You could sell shade.

Your blood type is Ragu.

You need an appointment to attend an ' open house'.

Careful What You Eat!
A dietitian was speaking to a crowd of interested listeners at a community health fair.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be truly disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all; and most all of us have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood and said, "wedding cake."

Need to Diet? Then let's get started!

Here's the first rule of thumb:

If it tastes good....spit it out.
And remember...
If you must have a cheeseburger and fries always order a diet coke!

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate her with four or five cupcakes.

You can eat as much as you want on a diet....of anything you don't like.

I don't exercise at all, if God had wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them up higher on my body.

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat, it's watching what other people eat.

mmmmm.....love chocolate chip cookies. I don't need to know how many calories are in a chocolate chip cookie, I need to know how many calories are in a whole batch!

The advantage of exercising everyday is that you die healthier.

Did you ever see the customers in a health-food store? They are pale, skinny people who look half dead. In a steak house you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying of course but they look terrific.

Seriously now, count those fat grams and calories, take long walks, buy all that fat free stuff they have in grocery stores now-a-days...and while you guys get started doing all of that, I'm going out for a cheeseburger, fries, and of course a diet coke!