"If
you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera
and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait
"I've
been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where
I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's
house and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney
"My
mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and
threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone
"In
elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
"I
have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking
the locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler
"Ever
wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
--John Mendoza
"Today
I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright
"Relationships
are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you
two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"A study
in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than
men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"I haven't
taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin."
--Winston Spear
"Did
you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how
dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy
"My
grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards
"I worry
that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else."
--Lily Tomlin
"USA
Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people
make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman
"Chihuahua.
There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away."
--Billiam Coronell
"I was
a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner
"I always
wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin
"The
Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty
impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army
knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews.
Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in
back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right
here.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I planted
some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
--Steven Wright
"I don't
kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes.
They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
--Bruce Baum
"I met
a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know,
her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these
kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me,
put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?"
--Garry Shandling
"I think
that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee,
I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
"Sometimes
I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"Why
does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger
and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
