As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.

I am at one with my duality.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the conspiracy is working.

Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot

.

Following is my revised list of "New Year's Resolutions - 2005 Edition":
Resolution #1
2002: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2003: I will not leave Marge.
2004: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2005: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

Resolution #2
2002: I will stop looking at other women.
2003: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2004: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2005: I will stop looking at other women.

Resolution #3
2002: I will not let my boss push me around.
2003: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2004: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2005: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

Resolution #4
2002: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2003: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2004: I will read 5 books a year.
2005: I will finish Airport.

Resolution #5
2002: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness.
2003: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee.
2004: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle.
2005: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.

Resolution #6
2002: I will get my weight down below 180.
2003: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2004: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2005: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

Resolution #7
2002: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2003: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2004: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2005: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Resolution #8
2002: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2003: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2004: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2005: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1998.

Resolution #9
2002: I will see my dentist this year.
2003: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2004: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2005: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

Resolution #10
2002: I will go to church every Sunday.
2003: I will go to church as often as possible.
2004: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2005: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

Have any of you stuck to your New Years Resolutions???
I will try to figure out why I "really" need 12 e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). A phone call every now and then would be appreciated.
I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I resolve to back up my 12 GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... at least once a year.
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then.
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
I will think of a password other than "password."
I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

New Year's Resolution #1
Try to avoid transmission of inter-species diseases

New Year's Resolution #2
Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet
(especially when they are less than 1000 feet above the ground)

New Year's Resolution #3
Stay off the Mir space station

New Year's Resolution #4
Don't eat cloned meat

New Year's Resolution #5
Try not to have seven children at once

New Year's Resolution #6
Avoid drunk limo drivers on anti-depressants

New Year's Resolution #7
Don't give real name when making campaign bribes

New Year's Resolution #8
Don't take a car all the way to Mars without remembering the spare battery.

New Year's Resolution #9
Don't get so drunk that you think cutting your penis off and blaming it on your girlfriend is a really neat idea.

New Year's Resolution #10
No more spaceship rides behind comets, even if the lemonade is free.