Are you too busy to sit down and write an old-fashioned letter to Santa? Have no fear! This handy-dandy interweb doo-dad can do the heavy lifting for you!

Dear......

[Santa Claus]
[Saint Nicolas]
[Father Christmas]
[Pagan Troll]
[Obese Trespassing Altruist]
[Satan Claus - Devourer of Children's Souls],

This year, I have been a very...

[good] [bad] [materialistic] [passive aggressive] [manipulative] [Ritalin-addled]

little..

[boy] [girl] [TV watcher] [advertising tampon].

I have......

[not] [sometimes] [compulsively] .. [lied] [cheated] [embezzled] [pillaged] [murdered],

and I have...

[always] [often] [rarely] [never]

helped my...

[mommy] [daddy] [grandma] [grandpa] [brother] [sister] [mommy's "special friend"] [other daddy]

with their..

[chores] [homework] [taxes] [pyramid schemes] [colostomy bag].

And I always say thank you, which makes me...

[nice] [polite] [seem like I care]

and so I deserve lots of......

[love] [presents] [blank checks] [age-inappropriate pants]

this year!

Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life: For my mommy, please bring......

[perfume] [earrings] [Valium] [leather panties] [the onset of menopause] [daddy's testicles in a vise].

For my daddy, please bring a new......

[neck tie] [razor] [money clip] [dead-end job] [Rogaine prescription] [topaz-studded ass plug].

For my...

[big] [little]....[brother] [sister],

please bring......

[a soccer ball] [fingernail polish] [Legos] [GI Joe] [Barbie] [methadone] [Newport Lights 100's] [a diaphragm] [a subscription to Guns & Ammo].

For my..

[doggy] [hamster] [ferret],

please bring...

[a chew toy] [a cableknit sweater] [kibble] [breath mints] [a homeopathic heartworm remedy] [non-surgical sterilization].

Oh –and for my......

[baby sitter] [mail man] [cleaning lady] [pool boy] [case worker],

please bring some......

[fruit cake] [coupons] [worthless tchotchkes] [work ethic].

Now about me! Please bring me all of the......

[Harry Potter] [Scooby Doo] [SpiderMan] [Star Wars] [Spongebob Squarepants] [Anna Nicole Smith]...[action figures] [videos] [breakfast cereal] [pajamas] [sheets] [beer coozies] [toilet paper],
and front row tickets to... [Eminem] [Britney Spears] [Aaron Carter] [Mary-Kate and Ashley] [GWAR] [Philip Glass] – plus backstage passes so I can get....[autographs] [behind the scenes] [coked up] [airborne chlamydia]!

Oh, and please don't forget to bring my......

[pool] [go-kart] [jet-ski] [pony] [Lamborghini Diablo VT 6.0] [amputee Afghan orphan].

But if you can't, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really really want is just......

[$100] [$1000] [$10,000] [$100,000] [$1,000,000] [$10,000,000] [$100,000,000]!

Anyway, I hope you like the......

[cookies] [cake] [pudding] [Jell-O] [meatloaf] [cognac] [eight-ball] I left out for you.

[Love],[Sincerely],[Yours],[Breathlessly],

[ insert name here ]

PS: Please say. [hi] [hello] [Merry Christmas]
to..[Rudolph] [Mrs. Claus] [the baby Jesus]

Thanks Pal,