Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.

Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

I am a rabid typist.

Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.

Proven ability to track down and correct errors.

Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.

I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.

References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.

My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail.

Qualifications: No education or experience.

Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.

Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head.

I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."
(And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.)

Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
(No problem ...)

I am very detail-oreinted.
(With the possible exception of spelling)

I can play well with others.
(We'll be sure to tell your mommy.)

Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
(A new twist on work-family balance.)

Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.
(Have you considered law school?)

My salary requirement is $34 per year.
(They say money isn't everything.)

Served as assistant sore manager.
(Ouch.)

Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.
(So you're willing to travel?)

Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco.
(Definitely to the point.)

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.
(We're glad you're not bitter.)