A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was for. She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."

The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"

The girl said, "I don't know....I don't eat cats."

Dragging Their Feet

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.

"Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?"

"Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass."

"Okay," says the guy. He turns to his dog. "Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of your doghouse?"

"Roof!" The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

"THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!"

"Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?"

"Ruff!"

"What the hell are you tryin' to pull, mister?"

"Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?"

"Ruth."

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

"Geez. D'ya think I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised.
This is just part of my job."

"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"

"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he make me answer the phone as well!"

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale". He rings the doorbell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. They guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yup." the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?" the man asks.

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a
mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him, but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner says, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."