When to Propose.. Or Not
Men who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before proposing marriage.

• In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as "that square thing?"
• Does she use the phrase "you know" more than twice per sentence?
• Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic surgeon.
• Have you noticed her name tattooed on three or more local bikers?
• Have you noticed three or more local bikers' names tattooed on her?
• Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to an old boyfriend's?
• Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to the Green Bay Packers?
• Does she have a wholesale source for Deodorant-in-a-Drum?
• Has she ever used the word poo-poo?
• If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell the word sex?
• Does her resume include a six-year stint at Big Leg Emma's House of Painful Delights?

When to Accept a Proposal... Or Not
Women who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before accepting a proposal of marriage.

• On his first date with you, did he pick you up early so you could help with his laundry?
• To reach him in an emergency, would anyone think to call the local adult bookstore?
• Has he ever bragged about seeing every episode of "Gilligan's Island" at least four times?
• Is it unclear to some people whether that's a mustache or just a lot of unruly nose hair?
• Is his idea of a classy restaurant one where every table has its own stack of ketchup packets?
• Does his car get more than sixty miles per gallon?
• Does the label on his deodorant include the phrase "Industrial Strength?"+
• Has he memorized the telephone number of at least one bail-bondsman?

Love & Marriage - Tell-Tale Differences....

Love is holding hands in the street
Marriage is holding arguments in the street

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant
Marriage is a Chinese take-out

Love is cuddling on a sofa
Marriage is deciding on a sofa

Love is talking about having children
Marriage is talking about getting away from children

Love is going to bed early
Marriage is going to sleep early

Love is a romantic drive
Marriage is a tarmac drive

Love is losing your appetite
Marriage is losing your figure

Love is sweet nothing in the ear
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank

Love is a flickering flame
Marriage is a flickering television

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!"