Female Golfing Terms
CADDY
2 Women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself.

CHIPPING
Time to get our nails done again.

DOUBLE BOGIE
"Casablanca" followed by "African Queen."

FAIRWAY
Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.

GOOD LIE
Weight on our driver's license.

GREENS
Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.

HOLE-IN-ONE
Time to get new pantyhose.

IRON
What guys need to learn to do to their own shirts.

SHAFT
You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.

SLICE
"No thanks...just a sliver."

TEES
Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee.

WATER HAZARD
Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.

WEDGE
Bathing suit that's too tight.

A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife dressed in a sexy little nightie. "Tie me up," she purrs, "and you can do anything you want." So he ties her up and goes out for a round of golf.
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A golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late?" The friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf and it took 25 tosses to get it right!"
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A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, and your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the golf course. What's your secret?"

Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered."
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A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8--iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8--iron and puts his ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7--iron and dribbles the ball a few yards.

The young man says, “I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
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An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played a "Mulligan" which was an extremely good one. He then asked the Scot, "What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?"

"We call it hitting 3"
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Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5--iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes", says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know...five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."

When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.
--Author Unknown

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
-- Author Unknown

I've spent most of my life golfing. The rest I've just wasted.
-- Author Unknown

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
-- Raymond Floyd

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
~Pete Dye (His golf courses reflect this belief!!!)

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
~Jim Bishop

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
~Hank Aaron

Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five ~Paul Harvey

Give me golf clubs, fresh air &a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~Jack Benny

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
~Al Boliska

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
-- Billy Graham

Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
~Ben Hogan

Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
~Chuck Hogan

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~Jack Lemmon

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
~Mark Twain

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
~Harry Vardon

Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.
~Woodrow Wilson

A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible .
~Author Unknown

Gone golfin' ... be back about dark thirty.
~Author Unknown

Born to golf. Forced to work. (sometimes with "to pay for habit" included.)
~Author Unknown

My body is here, but my mind has already teed off .
~Author Unknown

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
~Jimmy DeMaret

May thy ball lie in green pastures ... and not in still waters.
-- Author Unknown

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
~Author Unknown

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
~George Deukmejian

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
~Author Unknown