The judge said to the double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge ignored the outburst and continued, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The same voice yelled out, "You lying bastard!"

The judge looked sternly at the man who yelled and said, "Sir, you may be angry and frustrated by this man's crimes, but one more outburst from you and I'll find you in contempt of court. Do you understand?"

The man replied, "I'm sorry, your Honor, but I've lived next door to that bastard for the past fifteen years and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"

Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

Pregnant on the Bus
A Lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the forth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, 'The Gold Dust Twins are coming,' and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly control myself. BUT when she moved the forth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident,' I laughed out loud."

The case was dismissed.