The Errand
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

The Lost Luggage
An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

Water to Wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."

The Fall
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

You've Been Drinking Again
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

She answered, "The pub just called. You left your wheelchair there again."

Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and then the accusing woman was escorted into the room.

Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere!"

The Good Lord above made whiskey so the Irish would never take over the world!

Q: Whats the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?
A: One less drunk.

What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison oak?
A rash of good luck.

What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone?
A Sham Rock.

Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
He couldn't afford plane fare.

Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck.

What do you call an Irishman who keeps bouncing off walls?
Rick O'Shea.

Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they're always a little short.