Basic Rules for Driving in California...

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real California driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's
a chance to stretch your legs.

6. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in California during rush hour.

8. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a California driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

10. Learn to swerve abruptly. California is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to the State Highway Department, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

11. It is traditional in California to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.

12. Remember that the goal of every California driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.

13. In the California area, "flipping someone the bird" is considered a polite California salute. This gesture should always be returned.

Real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school:

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.