Valentine Jokes

• Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
• If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
• Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.
• Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
• When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
• A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
• Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
• Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
• I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
• A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

A woman went to the mall last week to buy Valentine's cards for her daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded her. She muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-husbands."

The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."

"Really?"

"Yes ma'am. They're called darts."

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting,
the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
Happy Valentine's Day