Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

People who constantly cough never go to the doctors.
They go to banquets, to concerts, to church, etc.....

Pathologists know how to cut loose.

Dr: Is your cough better this morning?
Patient: It should be. I've been practicing all night.

Nurse: Hello. I'm calling about the check you wrote. It came back.
Patient: So did my arthritis.

What kind of physician works on a cruise liner?
A dry doc.

One plastic surgeon to another:
My daughter gets her good looks from me.

Definition of conflict of interest:
A get well card from your doctor.

Doctors bury their mistakes.

What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday?
Saturday night fever.

I'm a doctor and I haven't lost a patient yet.
I know where all of them are buried.

Old doctors never die....they just lose their patients.

Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who sat next to a fireplace and melted?

I'd feel better about what doctors do if they didn't call it "practice."

My Mom got the Amish flu. First she got a little horse...then she got a little buggy.

When the hospital gives you one of those skimpy gowns you know the end is in sight.

Surgeons are doctors on the cutting edge.

Doctor: The only man who enjoys poor health.

Overheard in doctor's waiting room:
I used to watch golf on TV, but the doc said I needed more exercise....so now I watch tennis.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
An onion a day keeps everyone away.

Chiropractors don't get old....they adjust.

The strangest thing happened the other day. I was listening to a boring talk by a podiatrist and my foot fell asleep.

As a doctor was examining his patient, he asked, "Any coughing, wheezing or shortness of cash?"

Doctor told me I was iron deficient....so I took up nail biting.

A doctor giving a circumcision was heard saying, "It won't be long now."

How is a hospital gown like insurance?
You're never covered as much as you think you are.

What do you do when a pharmaceutical salesman knocks on your door?
Vitamin!

What did one tonsil say to the other?
You better get dressed...the doctor is taking us out tonight.

Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street?
They were arch enemies.

Podiatrist: Someone who knows the agony of de feet.

Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him. "Joe, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Joe, you're a vet."