Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.

Time may be a great healer,
but it's also a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess ...
why can't it get us out?

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you
just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth half of what you pay for it.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

I plan on living forever.
So far, so good.

I'm not afraid of heights,
just afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating,
always use condiments.

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed,
only outlaws would have in-laws.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from
a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them
that Bill Gates said it first.

The real art of conversation
is not only to say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like... night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought.... It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything. . where the heck would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population....the other 15% are waiting in line.

The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left over by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.