I will not play tug of war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose in her bottom.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

I will have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.

Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.

I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.

Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask wearing freak does to us when no one is around.

Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

Always scoot before licking.

Grow an opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counterclockwise this year.

..and the Number 1 New Year's Resolution Made by Pets:

I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

A Hamster Resolution: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my ass.